


some old ghosts we grew attached to

by Karturtle (karturtle)



Series: you ask me where i've been(like i ask you where you are) [3]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Brotherly Bonding, Coming Out, Gen, Hargreeves Fix Their Shit Au, Healing, LGBT characters, Personal Growth, because it is not simple AT ALL, i loved writing ben and five interacting way more than i thought, mentions of past trauma, my names ace and im projecting onto fictional characters. welcome to jackass., quickly corrected and then they have a fun gay chat, small warning for some bigotry born out of misinformation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-14 02:56:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18044138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karturtle/pseuds/Karturtle
Summary: When they were young, Ben never really knew how to get along with Five.





	some old ghosts we grew attached to

**Author's Note:**

> _when we grew up, our shadows grew up too_   
>  _but they're just some old ghosts_   
>  _that we grew attached to_   
>  _the tragic flaw is that they hide the truth_   
>    
>  [-you are enough, sleeping at last](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LX3lvwks7NU)

When they were growing up, Ben didn’t really like Five much.

He was the shy, kind, quiet kid in the house. All his siblings gravitated to him one way or another, but Five never did. He didn’t seem to want or need the same attention as his siblings, and Ben always had a hard time understanding him before Five disappeared.

As they grew up, he was sharp and intimidating, not to mention an arrogant jerk sometimes. Not like Luther’s arrogance, though. Five was always determined to be the smartest person in the room, and he let you know it. Which, for Ben, somehow felt worse than Luther’s ‘Number One Lectures’ and his misguided care.

While Ben used knowledge as a shield and a way to escape, Five used knowledge as a weapon. He was always laser focused on some subject or another when they were kids. If he was learning about something, he’d leave no stone unturned to understand how it worked - and often, how to use it to his advantage. 

He might’ve been an even bigger force to be reckoned with, if he ever figured out how to apply that to people. But while Five was almost ruthlessly intelligent, he didn’t have the social skills needed to manipulate his siblings - aside from implying they were idiots. 

Despite that, before he disappeared, Five didn’t hold himself so high up on his pedestal that he couldn’t join in on shenanigans with his siblings. Like, he had a habit of using his powers to scare them by suddenly appearing out of thin air in weird places, always with an annoyingly smug look. And the first night Klaus suggested they sneak out for donuts that night, Five helped them devise a foolproof plan to get every single one of them out of the house without suspicion.

He was still a lost kid underneath it all, just like the rest of them, all trying to grow up in the same house of horrors and come out on the other side. But he was still hard for Ben to get along with. Group activities like the donut thing were all right because there was much less pressure. 

But being one on one with Five and his casual arrogance, the confidence in which he did everything- Ben always felt awkward and small next to him. It didn’t help that they were both considered the ‘smart’ children of the family; in that house it largely meant they were forced to be rivals as their father played favorites. 

Maybe it was a result of that, or some grudge he held, or maybe Five just didn’t care, whatever. But when they were younger, Ben spent a lot of time thinking Five hated him.

The coldness to which Five always approached him bothered Ben, despite him treating everything and everyone the same way. He was arrogant - not in the way Luther was, always trying to prove himself and  _ show _ you that he’s superior - no, Five acted like he already knew he’d won, and didn’t need to prove anything to anybody. If you questioned something he said or did, he’d brush you off or give you a long explanation that left you feeling like a moron the entire time. 

Ben got to hear a lot of that, with how often their father pitted them against each other. Thinking back, he wasn’t convinced Five even cared about the so-called ‘rivalry’. Ben cared, though. He cared about what dad thought so much that it ended up killing him. He did what he was told and barely took a step out of line, trying to avoid judgment or wrath to get what meager love he could from the man.

But while Ben tried and tried to be good enough, Five did everything effortlessly because he was just that smart. They were always compared, and Ben always fell short. It was just how things worked. Really, the only reason it was a ‘rivalry’ was because father didn’t like Five’s independence and how he questioned things, so he was constantly trying to get Ben to pick up the slack and match his wit.

Five’s casual confidence, his self assuredness and the way he carried himself- all of it was the direct antithesis to Ben’s quiet nature, his fear of so many things and his constant underlying worry about this or that. 

(It was hard not to be that way when Ben had tentacles crawling and shifting underneath his skin. It was hard to be confident when you felt like a monster just for existing. His brother, on the other hand, got the cool powers and the easy way out. He excelled in training because he applied himself, but also because he wasn’t  _ scared _ of himself like Ben was.)

And unlike him, Five was analytical and cunning, and didn’t seem to really care for other people's emotions that much. That part often bothered Ben most of all. He wasn’t _cruel_ , but he was distant, and it felt like he considered himself above those kinds of things. On missions, he was always the one telling Ben to just _get on_ _with it_ already. Stop wasting time and go unleash the monster. Five never once had time for a kind word or an understanding look like the rest of his siblings.

He never even really tried to get along with Ben as they grew. Never softened his blows or reached out to connect with him. Ben was often considered the most empathetic sibling while he was alive, so Five’s words stung him more than anyone else. Often times Klaus would ask him what was wrong, and Ben would try not to tear up as he explained whatever callous thing Five said to him.

Ben never hated his brother like he assumed Five hated him, but he didn’t think they were friends by any definition of the word.

Despite all that, Ben thought about Five a lot after he disappeared.

Everyone was rattled by it, especially after they all came to the conclusion, one by one, that he wasn’t coming back. They may have never been close, but Ben still missed his brother. They all did. Vanya especially, which didn’t make a lot of sense at first. Eventually it started to click though, as he looked back at his memories of Five with more experience and maturity.

Vanya always put up with Five the best. Their relationship was odd, but it worked. Ben would sometimes follow the sound of violin drifting through the house, and he’d peek into a room to watch Vanya play or ask her a question. Occasionally Five would be there, scribbling things in a notebook or reading something. Not much talking went on, but Five was willingly in her company more than the others.

They weren’t attached at the hip like he and Klaus were. Probably never crawled into each other’s beds at night sobbing. But they had a certain companionship that nobody else had managed with Five. It was hard to spot, because Five didn’t do hugs or reassurances or gifts, nothing outright kind to show that he considered her a friend. But- Ben can’t recall a single time that Five ever said a bad word to or about her. 

He never called Vanya’s intelligence into question like he did with when talking to the others. If she quietly asked him a question, he’d patiently answer it for her in a way she could understand. Whereas with Ben, questions usually got a very complicated answer, and the feeling that Five thought he was an idiot for not knowing.

But thinking back on those two and all the little moments he noticed between them, Ben started to believe that Five cared a lot more than any of them thought. And looking back at their own interactions with that knowledge, he started to wonder about some things.

Maybe it was wishful thinking, but after Five left, Ben belatedly thought he could see hints of his brother showing him the same sort of respect he had for Vanya. Just in a different way. 

Ben’s questions or comments were never brushed off, instead always given a detailed answer or explanation. And the way Five spoke to just about everybody had a certain note of disdain or aloofness, but maybe that was just the way he spoke.

Ben was obviously not as smart as Five- never was, so their enforced rivalry was bullshit, but maybe there was some solid ground there that he never realized. Even if he couldn’t keep up, Five still included him in his own weird little way. If he saw Ben struggling with a concept, he’d invite himself to correct Ben and explain things in his own way. Often times his explanation actually helped, when it wasn’t full of technical jargon - but it only aggravated Ben because he thought Five was doing it to show off and be superior.

But Five had slowly stopped caring about their father’s opinion, so why would he bother trying to one-up Ben like that? Five already knew he was the smartest in the room and never doubted it, so would he really just rub it in Ben’s face? Or was he just trying to help his brother?

Was he ever actually as cold and careless as Ben thought he was?

They didn’t spend much time in quiet togetherness like Five had with Vanya, but then again, Ben never really gave him a chance to. He’d always avoided being alone with his brother when he could help it. But it would’ve been nice, he thinks belatedly, if they’d had those moments. Maybe just sitting in a room reading together. No pressure to fill the silence with chatter. No siblings around to bother them.

Ben thought Five came across as condescending as a kid, but maybe that was just how he communicated. And maybe Ben was incredibly sensitive and wanted everyone to like him, and maybe he hurt his own feelings as he read too much into every little thing that Five did or said to him.

Maybe his brother didn’t hate him. Maybe he even _ liked _ him, in his own weird Five-ish way.

He only wished he realized those things while Five was still around. It felt wrong, only getting to know his brother  _ after _ his disappearance.

It felt even more wrong when Five showed up again, and Ben couldn’t even talk to him. 

He almost considered asking Klaus to give him a message - something he’d never bothered doing with his other siblings. However, any hopes at ghostly bonding were dashed when Five mentioned the end of the world. There were more important things to do after that, and it all happened so fast.

But then, in a last ditch attempt to save the family he loved, Five sent them back to when they were kids. And Ben was- he was  _ alive _ . He could touch and feel and taste whenever he wanted to, and maybe it wasn’t intended, but Five brought him back to  _ life _ . 

He’s not sure how to thank him for something that big, but he feels like he should.

It doesn’t help that Five is incredibly hard to pin down these days. In between training and meals, apocalypse meetings and helping Vanya, Ben doesn’t see enough of him to pull him aside. They don’t really get a chance to talk one-on-one for weeks.

It happens eventually, though completely on accident. Ben’s up late, unable to sleep, so he’s sitting in the kitchen pouring himself some cereal. 

He never would’ve done this as a child- willingly sit out in the open when he was supposed to be in bed? Absolutely not. But he’s getting better about caring less and not falling back into old habits, especially when he knows he’s not the only one that does it. If he’s an ungrateful, disobedient child just for illicitly eating cereal at night, the rest of them are all heathens in comparison.

He’s slowly becoming okay with that.

Five appears in the kitchen in a flash of light, looking more stressed than usual. And he’s  _ always _ stressed. Perks of having the literal apocalypse and the fate of his family weighing on his shoulders. 

Ben is obviously startled by his appearance, dropping his spoon into his bowl with a clatter. Five barely glances in his direction before starting to go through the cupboards, quickly grabbing the things he needs for a sandwich.

“I didn’t think anyone else was up.” Five says briskly as he busies himself, almost businesslike while he spreads peanut butter on bread. It’s not an apology for startling Ben, not an explanation, just a statement.

“Klaus and Allison snuck out to see a movie.” Ben replies, sighing and going back to his own food.

“How does that involve you?”

Ben shrugs a shoulder, even though Five’s back is turned. “I guess I’m waiting to make sure Klaus gets home okay.”

“He’s a grown ass man, you know.” Five retorts, “Allison won’t let him do anything stupid, even if he wanted to. Dare I say it, you probably don’t have to babysit him so much anymore.”

Ben considers this, and tries to reframe the callous comment. Despite being dismissive, Five almost sort of vouched for Klaus’ competence, which is unheard of. He almost wants to ask about his newfound confidence in their brother, considering nobody else but Ben seems to share it.

In the end, he lets it go for now. Instead Ben just mentions, “He’s not a man.” And then he eats a spoonful of cereal. Wow, he really likes cereal. Most breakfast foods, actually. He likes most things these day, considering he couldn’t actually taste for over ten years, but breakfast foods would always be a favorite. He can’t remember how many times a high-as-fuck Klaus tried to feed his ghost a frozen waffle.

Five scoffs. “Yes, fine, I’m aware he’s childish and doesn’t act his age but he’s still responsible for his own-”

“No, not that,” Ben interrupts, “He’s not a man. He doesn’t identify that way.”

His brother pauses. When Ben doesn’t say anything else, Five turns and looks at him like he’s waiting for a punchline to the joke. Ben only shrugs, looking completely serious. Five furrows his brow in suspicion. “..Alright, Ben. I’ll bite. What is he, if he’s not a man?”

Ben hums, taking another spoonful of cereal before he responds. “I think he settled on genderfluid? He told me once that his gender was just-” And then Ben makes a vague, wavy gesture with his hand to finish the sentence. “So do with that what you will. He still likes being called a he, though.”

Five is staring like Ben is a complicated equation he can’t figure out. He obviously doesn’t know what to do with this information or how to make sense of it. For a second, Ben’s on guard and about to defend his brother- but then he stops himself as something occurs to him. 

Five only spent a week in the 21st century before they got taken back to the past, and he disappeared first in.. 2002, 2003?

“Genderfluid.” Five repeats, like he’s testing the word out.

It looks like instead of the hate he’s concerned about, Five just genuinely doesn’t understand the concept yet. And it makes sense. Ben himself didn’t know this stuff until they were 14 or 15 and Klaus snuck into his room one night, excitedly telling Ben that he finally found a word for himself that  _ fit _ . 

Back then, you had to rely on a friend of a friend or something to be introduced to that community, and Klaus was often the entry point for Ben. So when would Five have had time to learn this stuff in the apocalypse?

“Explain.” Five says abruptly, firmly. He has a look in his eye that Ben associates with his ever-present search for knowledge.

“Explain… genderfluidity?”

“Yes.” Five pauses, then grabs his sandwich and sits down across from Ben. “It’s a concept I’m… unfamiliar with, apparently.” He looks aggravated at not knowing something Ben does, but he’s taking it seriously. It’s almost a testament to his respect for Ben’s intelligence that he doesn’t completely dismiss it. “How is Klaus not a man and instead.. that? Just- lay it out for me.”

Ben raises his eyebrows in surprise. “I mean, I’m probably not the best person for this. You’d be better off talking to Klaus since this is his thing, you know.”

The look Five gives him is priceless. “You and I both know that I’ll get nothing useful nor intellectual out of a conversation with Klaus.”

There it is. Ben thought he was being a little too nice to Klaus for this conversation and it was almost suspicious, but there it is. He rolls his eyes, though he can’t exactly disagree. Klaus would be all over the place trying to explain the different concepts, and his memory wasn’t the most reliable, so Five would probably be pulling out his hair in frustration by the end of it. And he  _ did _ genuinely want to know what Ben was talking about.

“You should still talk to him. But I guess I can.. try?”

Five nods and places his sandwich aside for now, clasping his hands on the table in front of him. Ben has his full, undivided attention and it’s a little intimidating. But he moves his cereal to the side too and takes a moment to consider how to begin.

It isn’t the easiest conversation to have, but Ben takes a deep breath and lays out the facts as best as he can. Five stares at him and nods along while he gets through the basics, explaining the misconception that there’s only the two genders, explaining the difference between sex and gender, and listing out different terms and what they mean.

It would’ve been easier if it was still 2019 and he had the science to prove it, but Five.. completely trusts him on the subject, it seems. He asks intelligent questions, asks about Klaus, asks about how these things became apparent to a person, taking the conversation with complete seriousness.

Eventually Ben starts to relax and they begin getting into the smaller details, and he briefly goes over the social stigmas and goes over a few sexual orientation things as well. All and all, it goes.. really, really well. Surprisingly well. So well that when Klaus and Allison finally sneak into the kitchen giggling about something, Ben is startled to look up and notice how much time has gone by.

Five takes one look at the late-night shenanigans going on with their other siblings, grabs his sandwich, and gives Ben a nod before he disappears again.

He doesn’t bring it up again for awhile, and it’s almost like the conversation didn’t happen.

But then one night, Ben’s alone in his room, rereading some book he liked as a kid, and Five appears in a blue flash with an intense, determined look in his eye. Ben, of course, startles and the book falls to his lap. He narrows his eyes and opens his mouth to ask if Five can  _ knock _ before he opens an interdimensional portal to his brother’s room, but he’s interrupted.

“I’ve always-” Five clenches his fists, steels himself, but doesn’t look at Ben anymore when he says, “I’ve always felt weird. About being a boy.”

Well. Okay. Ben guesses this is what he’s doing with his night now. He brings his knees up so Five can sit, and watches his brother closely. Five doesn’t seem to enjoy the attention, getting more aggravated and pacing around instead of settling. 

Ben stares at him for another second, thinking, then picks up his book again to find the chapter he was on. His eyes stare at the page, not at Five, and in the corner of his vision he seems to calm down some.

This ‘I’m ignoring you but not really’ strategy seems to work pretty well, as his brother starts talking again.

“It’s not like I was like Klaus, stealing skirts and makeup and  _ braiding hair _ -” Five says spitefully, and it’s a dickish thing to say, but Ben sighs and forgives him for it because he’s obviously trying to come to terms with something. “But I- I didn’t feel… it didn’t feel right. Something about me wasn’t right.” 

Five stops pacing, starts to inspect the books Ben has on a shelf. “I never felt right in this house. But I always thought that that was just.. a product of my environment. A logical reaction from my subconscious about how our childhood  _ sucked _ .” He takes a deep breath, shaking his head while picking up an old classic Ben kept in his room for show.  

“And that hypothesis seemed correct when I was stuck in the future, and nothing really mattered anymore. I was- it wasn’t _ ideal _ , but for some reason, I felt.. free, in a way. Lonely, but more free than I’d felt in years.” He scoffs, “I thought it was because dear old dad was gone.”

Ben is still pretending to be reading and they both know he isn’t, even as he turns a page. He’s not willing to do anything else, though. Not when Five is trying to say something important. He has Ben’s undivided attention, even if he has his face shoved in a book.

“But then I was hired by the Commission, and I was around people again. Had to be, to learn about my marks and plan things accordingly. And the feeling came back.” 

Five sets the book down and warps, now sitting cross legged on Ben’s bed. “That..  _ wrongness _ . I thought, maybe I’m just not cut out for people. It didn’t help that I was somehow a thing of legends for surviving so long, and everyone _ stared _ when I showed up. Got even worse when I came back here and had to wear this ridiculous,  _ boyish _ uniform again.”

Ben winces in sympathy. None of them were happy about that.

“And now, with this- new information coming to light,” Five crosses his arms and leans back against the wall, pointedly not looking at Ben, “I’ve done as much research as I can, given the day and age we’re in, and I.. believe- that I may-”

He’s never seen Five struggle for the words to say in his entire life. Ben knows what he  _ wants _ to say, but he also knows better than to interrupt and drive him away.

“I- I may not be a boy.” The words come out in a rush, and Ben lowers his book to find Five staring at him, almost defiantly. Scared, too. Nearly 60 and scared of his little brother judging him for something he doesn’t understand about himself. He doesn’t know if he’s ever seen Five look so small before. Even when they were all in adult bodies and Five was still 13, he filled up the room and commanded their presence.

“Okay.” Ben says softly, setting the book down now that Five got it out.

“Wait. Is that- is that it?” Five asks, uncertain.

“Yeah.”

“But you- does it make sense?” He glares, his demeanor changing as he speaks, “It doesn’t, does it? I’ve been a ‘ _ boy _ ’ for over fifty years now and suddenly I’m  _ not _ . Do you even believe me?” Five demands aggressively, and Ben’s not sure what answer he’s looking for, why he’s challenging Ben. Maybe some kind of validation, as the ‘second smartest’? 

Oh, shit, that’s probably it, now that he thinks about it. Ben keeps the smile off his face for Five’s sake so he doesn’t feel made fun of. “The thing is- I don’t think you’ve been a boy this long, Five. It sounds like everyone  _ told _ you you were a boy, so that’s what you went with. Right?” He shrugs a shoulder. “You didn’t know there was another option.”

“Oh.” Five considers this for a moment, then seems to lose his thunder, letting go of the hold he has on himself. “I- right. That’s right.” He runs a hand through his short hair while he considers this. “Yeah.  _ Yes _ . That’s exactly it. And I  _ know _ that’s it. But I feel like- I feel--” 

He looks up at Ben again hopelessly. He was never all that good at explaining his emotions, always tried to make them think he never had any to begin with.

“You feel scared?” Ben tries.

“What? I’m not  _ scared _ .” He snapped, reminding Ben that having a heart to heart with Five was like dancing on a minefield.

“Right, sorry- you feel like you..  _ have _ to be a boy? That you’re not allowed to be something else?” When Five begrudgingly nods, Ben finally gets it. “Hey, that’s more common than you’d think. When I was in the closet-”

“Great.” Five interrupts, rolling his eyes. “Which one of them shoved you in there this time?”

“What? No, no- it’s a term. Slang. For when you know you’re LGBT, but you don’t feel safe or comfortable being ‘out’ yet.”

“Oh, okay-  _ wait _ .” The metaphorical brakes of the conversation slam, and Five sits up to point accusingly. “That means you’re like this too? But you didn’t  _ say _ anything?”

Ben runs a hand through the hair on the back of his head, giving Five a sheepish look. “I’m not  _ quite _ the same as you. Remember me explaining the acronym, how LGBT people all fall under the same sort of umbrella? I was assigned male and I still identify that way. But I- don’t like girls. I’m..” He pauses, looking away for a moment before his focus is back on Five. “I’m gay. ”

“You’re gay.” Five says bluntly, testing the word and processing it, “So we’re alike, but not quite the same.” He nods and leans back. “But you  _ still _ didn’t tell me when you were talking about everything. Why?”

“I couldn’t. I didn’t think that I- ..that I..” Ben stops, furrowing his brow at Five as something clicks.  “..okay, see, that’s it. That’s exactly it. That’s me doing the same thing you’re doing.” Ben is the one sitting up now, gesturing at his brother to prove his point. “I don’t feel comfortable being gay and out in this bullshit house, so I’m still in the closet.”

“..Oh.”

Now Ben seems like the stressed one having revelations. To Five’s credit, he sits there and waits patiently for his brother to collect himself. Finally, Ben sighs. 

“I never got a chance to come out to anyone but Klaus.” He says quietly, “But I spent so long as a ghost being  _ free _ from dad’s judgment that I got used to being out, being gay, even if Klaus was my only company. I- I forgot.”

Ben huffs out a self-deprecating laugh, resting his arms on his knees, setting his chin on top. “I forgot that I didn’t- can’t tell anyone.”

Five seems confused again, but not in that lost, helpless way. More like he’s trying to make sense of a something, waiting for a crucial piece to fit into place. “Why can’t you?”

“You’re gonna think it’s stupid.”

“Well, yeah, maybe, but I probably won’t  _ say _ that.” Five retorts.

Ben rolls his eyes. “I think I’m worried. Of what everyone will think. Of what dad might say, how things will change. But they  _ shouldn’t _ .” He sighs, slumping over more. “I’m just Ben, you know? Nothing changed, I’ve always been this way. I like boys. But you know this house. You know how things go. If dad hears about it, it’ll turn into a big deal- you know how Klaus’ coming out went.”

Instead of calling him out for being scared, Five looks surprised. He doesn’t often make that expression, Ben notices. “That’s it. That’s how I- that’s me. I’m the same way. And I don’t know how people will react- it’s a variable I can’t account for.” He looks pensive, trying to explain his feelings in a clear way. “I’m not  _ scared _ , especially not of dad but I also- it feels..  _ big _ . It feels big and I’m not prepared. And part of me wants to just figure it all out first, before I tell them. If I even do. Does that make sense?”

Ben nods. “Yeah. Maybe you just need to spend some time actually being who you want to be for once and getting used to it.”

“Yeah. Yeah.” Five takes a deep breath, leaning his head back and staring at the ceiling.

“Baby steps.” Ben says, and he gets a side-eyed glare in return, but nevertheless, “Klaus didn’t suddenly decide he didn’t care about gender one day, it was a.. a gradual thing he noticed over the years. And I didn’t just sit up one day and realize, welp, guess I’m gay.” Ben shrugs his shoulders as best he can from his awkward, curled up position. “It took me a lot of time just to come to terms with it, let alone tell anybody or do anything about it. You know now, sure, but it might take time, Five.”

“Time.” Five looks back at Ben and scoffs, shaking his head almost fondly, “Well, we’ve got plenty of that, don’t we?”

That they did.

It’s another month after that that Five willingly seeks out Ben again. Today they’d all(minus Vanya) been in the training room working on a move that their father had drilled for hours, but it still didn’t stick for Ben. Even Klaus of all people got it, but Ben is still getting used to his body again and he made mistake after mistake in front of their father's watchful eye.

When time was up for training, Reginald had given him an unimpressed look and told him to stay and train harder until he perfected it. There was a cold remark about how ‘keeping your nose hidden in a book won’t help you in a real battle, Number Six’, and then - here's the fun part - said that if Ben didn’t have it down perfectly before dinner, he wouldn’t  _ get _ dinner.

He didn't get dinner.

So here Ben was in his room, starving from all the exertion of the day and staring angrily at a wall with his arms crossed. It might've been a funny sight, a gangly 14 year old fuming, but he feels anything but amused at their fathers cruelty of the day.

Being hungry made the angry rolling feeling in his chest even worse than it might be towards the man. There were more than a few dark thoughts about just what the beast under his skin could do to show Reginald that Ben had no problems in combat. That.. would end badly, though, so he settled for using some grounding exercises he recalled from Klaus’ time in rehab, trying to keep the monster under wraps. He doesn’t know what would happen to the timeline if he let it do what it wanted with father - he could tell they wanted to rip him apart mercilessly, they knew he was the cause of their suffering - so he’s going to keep his calm and not let the tentacles have a fit over the gnawing hunger and the frustration thrumming through his veins.

He'd tried to read, to no avail. He could try to sleep, but that felt almost like giving up. His current plan is to wait until 2 in the morning and sneak downstairs- but it turns out he doesn't have to. There's a flash of blue, and then Five is stepping into his room with a plate of sandwiches and some sodas he’d pilfered from God knows where.

“You are a saint.” Ben tells him, sitting up.

Five scoffs, sitting down on the bed. “Tell that to my kill count.” 

Ben doesn't reply and immediately snatches a sandwich, and he’s even more grateful that Five made him real food and not his weird peanut butter/marshmallow things. He was ravenous at this point, finishing one and picking up another before Five speaks up.

“I spoke to Klaus.” He mentions casually, but it gets his brother to stop eating and look up.

“Is Klaus still breathing?” Ben asks suspiciously, taking another bite.

“To my knowledge.”

Ben snorts, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Now that he's got some food in him, a lot of his anger and stress has melted away. Five passes him a soda, and then gingerly picks up a sandwich of his own- surprise surprise, the marshmallows are back.

“What’d you talk to him about?” Ben asks, cracking his soda open. 

“Well first, we had an  _ enlightening _ conversation about what color of lipstick would suit my complexion, and he nearly put a feather boa on me. I threatened to strangle him with it.” Five says darkly, and Ben rolls his eyes.

“See, this is why I asked if he was breathing. You have a habit of trying to strangle your siblings.” He remarks blandly, as if he’s just talking about the weather. “What else?”

“After that, and then a segway into him asking me something about tie-dye - I blocked that part out - I finally asked him about his gender.” Ben nods approvingly, and Five continues. “He was still very _Klaus_ about it, but he took it more seriously than I expected. He had.. an unexpected wealth of information, even though it took 30 minutes to get to it.”

“And?”

“ _ And _ , after questioning him thoroughly on the differences between labels and his personal experiences with them, I think I’ve settled on one.” Five replies, dripping with his usual confidence instead of the odd hesitance he had the last time they spoke.  “I don’t feel like a boy, I definitely don’t feel like a girl, and it doesn’t really fluctuate, so I’ve determined that nonbinary is the most accurate term.” He shrugs, nonchalant.

Ben hums, taking a drink before responding, “Sounds right to me.”

“It has very little to do with you, actually. Or anyone else.” Five says, his voice neutral, but there’s a slight smile on his face like he’s proud of that fact, so Ben doesn’t take it too personally. “It’s my decision, nobody else’s. I’m nonbinary, and anybody who says otherwise is an idiot.”

Ben grins at him while Five continues looking pleased with himself. “You’re right. Nobody else gets a say.” He nods firmly, setting his drink down on the bedside table. “Pronouns?”

“I don’t mind he/him, but I may.. test the waters with they/them. See if it suits me. I'll let you know.” Five responds casually, and Ben is so proud of his big brother but he’s trying hard not to show it so Five doesn’t get grossed out. “I didn’t actually tell Klaus yet- I’ll get around to it. But naturally, the first person I told had to be you.”

Oh, shit. That’s so sweet, Ben might cry. “I’m gonna cry.” He tells Five very seriously, and Five shoves at his shoulder with an annoyed eye roll. 

“If you start crying over this, I’ll never make you another midnight snack run again.” He retorts, but there’s still that almost-pleased look on his face that tells Ben he’s not actually that annoyed. “It was the logical thing to do.”

“Uh-huh.” Ben puts his hands on the sides of his face, just sitting there smiling at Five, who scoffs and rolls his eyes at such a brazen show of emotion. “So.. you’re going to tell the others, then?”

“Maybe.” Five replies.

“It’d be a good step for you.”

Five raises an eyebrow, looking at Ben. He abruptly turns the tables. “And what about you, Ben? Would it be a good step for you to come out to them?”

The smile slowly slips from Ben’s face, and he looks away, staring at nothing. “I.. don’t know.”

“You deserve to be honest about who you are, just like I do.” Five states. When Ben looks back up at him again, his brother is giving him the most serious stare of his life. Then he almost  _ softens _ for a moment when he says, “They won’t mind. They all already know about Klaus, so logically…”

“Logically,” Ben finishes for him in a mumble, “If they don’t care about Klaus being gay, they won’t care about me being gay.”

Five gives a definitive nod. “And if they do, I’ll find the ‘ol feather boa and pay them a visit.”

Ben laughs, startled at Five attempting a.. joke? It sounds like a joke. “Only if I get to be in the room.”

“Deal. But like you said last time, baby steps. But you have to try. I’m done hiding what I am from this house, and so are you.”

Ben could protest, tell Five that he doesn’t get to tell him what to do and not to boss him around on something so sensitive. But the simple logic of what Five’s saying, laying out the facts and telling Ben he’ll have his back? It sounds.. nice. Almost easy, too. Not like the complicated mess he’d been thinking it would be. 

Instead of hiding from Five’s confidence, Ben takes a moment to steel himself, then decides to join him in it. "You’re right. I am.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! as always, comments are welcome and appreciated.
> 
> ben and five are often opposites, but they have a lot in common. at first that drove them further apart, but now as adults(kinda) they're getting to bond over their shared experiences and it was awesome to write.
> 
> this one was actually sort of personal to me, as i'm nonbinary and have been slowly taking baby steps into being at peace with it. i've also done the whole gay coming out thing, and boy. that was a time. i did do some research and actually tried to write out bens whole explanation of gender/sex to five, but it was very hard to follow and also ben had to use the word 'genitals' a few times, which nobody was cool with.
> 
> find me on tumblr at [karturtle](http://karturtle.tumblr.com/) and we can talk!


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